


Perspective

by MidnightShadeux



Category: The Sinner (TV)
Genre: 3x07, Anger, Angst, Introspection, Mental Instability, Nick/Jamie if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:54:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25281958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightShadeux/pseuds/MidnightShadeux
Summary: Jamie had either hit rock bottom or was on top of the world, depending on how you looked at it.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Perspective

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I'm not expecting many people to read this because so few people write for this fandom (a tragedy) and it's not my best work, but I love this show and Matt Bomer's performance was so phenomenal I haven't stopped thinking about it for days. I needed to write something.
> 
> Set during Jamie: episode 7 when he's standing in front of the mirror and cutting his hair.

Jamie was in trouble; more trouble than he’d ever been before and he knew it. He was stuck in a hole so deep he couldn’t see the light anymore, and every time he thought he’d finally found a foothold, had a glimmer of hope he’d claw his way out and back to normal, he lost his grip and fell even further than before. Sometimes he was pushed. He was in his own grave and this time Nick wasn’t there to pull him out. There was _nobody_ he could trust to pull him out.

Jamie had thought Harry would be the one to help him, that he could understand him the way Nick had, but the truth was he was the same as every other moral-obsessed sheep on the planet. He didn’t think for himself and whenever he tried to - when he listened to Jamie’s arguments and agreed - his conscience suddenly made itself known and fear stopped him from seeing the truth. Jamie could see the irony and it made him chuckle: Harry was to Jamie what Jamie was to Nick. A friend who wanted to see the truth, have clarity and knowledge and feel alive, but was too scared to truly let go. The difference was Nick had pushed Jamie harder than Jamie had pushed Harry and perhaps that’s why Nick had succeeded where Jamie had failed; Nick had shoved and prodded Jamie, forcing him to stare death in the face to lead him to his awakening, Jamie had gently urged Harry into finding his own way but when it came down to it Harry just couldn’t face it.

Jamie wasn’t stupid. He knew deep down he was searching for another Nick, someone to have that deep connection with, who he could trust completely, and who would hold his hand as they faced death together. He missed Nick like he’d never missed anyone before. When he’d cut Nick out of his life, he at least knew his friend was somewhere out there, fulfilling his need as best he could without Jamie and that one of them was feeling something and alive. Now Nick was dead and what hurt the most was knowing he was never coming back, and it was Jamie’s fault. His mind would flash to the first time they’d met when Nick had stuck up for Jamie in class and shot the professor down, all the crooked smiles Nick would give him both in public and private, and the affection that practically shone from Nick’s eyes when they were alone. Jamie wasn’t sure it was regret he was feeling – Nick would be proud of the leaps he’d taken and how far he’d come, and Jamie had felt free after watching him die – but it was definitely a longing for something he suspected he’d never have again.

So Jamie was searching for a replacement, and he’d sought that replacement in Harry. Harry wasn’t Nick though. Nick had never lied to Jamie, not once, but Harry…Harry had lied and betrayed him numerous times and Jamie had been too blind to see it.

He was awake now though and saw both Harry and the world with sharp clarity.

The life Jamie had known had crumbled around him: he’d lost the wife he adored beyond words, his son who he’d do anything for, the house he’d worked so hard to have, and the job he enjoyed and was good at and where he could shape and help young minds. Everything he loved had been snatched away from him with the pull of a parking brake and the switching off of a phone. He’d felt like he was free-falling about to smash face-first into the ground when it had been happening, but now he realised that he was flying, seeing the world from a new perspective others couldn’t, and when he landed it would be feet first with knowledge he hadn’t had before. He was free and _alive_ when he hadn’t been since his college days.

It wasn’t all positive. Jamie still had a dull ache in his chest from the loss and the overwhelming desire to go back to normal, to get everything back. There was fear about what the future held as the life that had been mapped out for him had gone up in smoke and the cops were trying their hardest to arrest him. He didn’t have any powerful friends or resources or the knowledge to help him if he was caught and he’d go to prison for a long time. Jamie knew the fear was good and he needed to push past it, to take the leap of faith and stay on his current path. Similarly, the longing for his previous life was his conscience trying to dictate his morals by reminding him of what he had had and what he could have again; it was trying to push him back to his zombie state, the one where society judged what was right and wrong and repressed truth and potential. If Nick was here, he would be congratulating Jamie on where he was now – the place Nick had always wanted him to be – and so proud of him. He’d remind Jamie of what really mattered, breaking through the fog to enlightenment, and Jamie could practically hear his voice telling him to keep going. The thought of the pride, approval, and acceptance radiating off Nick, the love and intimacy and connection they shared, dulled the pain a little.

Jamie couldn’t go back. He didn’t _want_ to go back, not to the empty life he’d been living. That life was dead to him and the pathway forever closed, not only physically due to the investigation into him and emotionally because of his losses, but he was a different person now. He could see the world so clearly, see it the way Nick had, and wouldn’t lose that.

As Nick slowly and methodically cut Jamie’s hair, snipping the curls off one by one and running his hands – and the scissors - over Jamie's chest and shoulders he hummed their song: the song that always preceded a mad scheme to fulfil their need. It was indicative of what was to come, and as the soft tones washed over him Jamie felt himself relax into a state of contentedness and certainty. Certainty in who he was and what he needed to do.

It was either the beginning or the end, depending on perspective.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be part of a larger fic where Jamie goes on the run which is why it's quite short, but I thought it worked as a standalone. I might continue it, but probably won't because it's just a vague idea right now.
> 
> Drop me a comment if you want, so I know there are other fans out there, and thanks for reading xxx


End file.
